Some brief extracts from Lisa's diary

Reality Check
I had a thought one day. What if the world really did revolve around me? What if everything that happens around me happens because I dream it into existence? Every event and every person I know. That would be why nothing bad ever happens to me. I can get into bad scrapes and have lots of close calls, but I always manage to come out on top. It was just a thought.

Bad things always happen to other people. I have never lost anyone close to me. No one I know has ever been tragically ill. My children are well. Of course I take all this for granted. I can't help it. It's just the way it is. You take things for granted that are always there. There's no reason not to.

And then my world turned upside down. Christmas 2005, I was 36 years old. A few days before Christmas I was sitting in my comfy chair watching TV. Relaxed. Kids in bed. I rubbed my neck and noticed a large lump under my skin. I didn't think much of it, but got my husband to feel it who just shrugged it off.

I decided to go to the doctor to check it out but it was Christmas so it could wait. It was a great Christmas, and it wasn't till a few days after Christmas I managed to find some time to go to the doctor who suggested an ultrasound. Probably a cyst or something like that. Don't worry. I didn't. Booking in for an ultrasound over the Christmas/New Year break proved impossible so it was over a week before I actually got it done.

I took three kids with me that day as Andrew my husband was at the cricket. I lined the three of them up with their Nintendo DS's in the waiting room and in I went.

I was told to go to my GP straight away and not to wait till tomorrow. I guess the first stages of panic started then. Also the kids had completely had enough by now, so I wasn't getting much sympathy from the gallery. After an hour waiting for the doctor I finally found out I had at least 6 enlarged lymph glands and that I possibly had something called "Lymphoma". Not to worry. Some chemo and maybe all will be well. I didn't really get too many details as my three kids sounded like they were trying to kill each other waiting out the door and I couldn't concentrate at all on what was being said. However we did manage to plan a biopsy and some blood tests.

At least after that point I managed to have some help with the kids, but that day was certainly a long one. Yet you think things couldn't possibly ever get any worse, and then as you go they do. I started having problems breathing as the lymph nodes were putting pressure on my airways. After the biopsy things seemed to start growing even faster.

Next thing I know I am in the hospital, can't breath, and know after a CT scan that I seem to have a barrel load of cancer in my lungs chest and neck. How is this possible? I didn't smoke. There is NO cancer in my family. There is no reason this would happen to me.

So I now have an oncologist. I didn't even know what an oncologist was. I was sat down after what felt like a million tests and told that I have a primary of lung cancer that has left the lungs so is in its final stages. It is incurable. If I am 'lucky' I have 12 months to live. I admit I demanded to know this. I did not want anyone pretending. Am I going to die? Yes.

When someone tells you this, it is not something you can comprehend. It is so unbelievable that you just can't seem to find a place in your brain to put it. So I wanted to cry. I wanted to really wail. But I couldn't breathe well by this stage so couldn't. I couldn't even let the pain out. It was trapped inside me.

Andrew was apart of me at this time. I clung to him like I never had before. I needed him to save me. I begged him to save me and he promised me he would. I know he can't but I just couldn't accept this fate. We researched continuously. We had to know everything. We needed to know the odds of survival, every treatment we could use, and every new treatment coming out. Andrew abandoned work and ploughed into the unknown. Fighting for my life.

And my beautiful children. I need to tell you about each one individually as they are each my life's work.

Firstly, my one and only son Joshua. He's now 10. Some people age like a good wine. That is Joshua. He is someone I so want to see grow up as he changes everyday. He was such an energetic difficult young man, but everyday he seems to stumble into himself and is now discovering ambition and drive. I really am so intrigued as to where life will take him and who he will be. I want to see that it was all worthwhile. That all that hard work I have put into him will pay off into this glorious young man. I am convinced it will be so.

Jessica, 8 years old. She was born so quiet and has kept such a lovely placid nature. She is extremely intelligent, loving, watchful, thoughtful. Someone you can't not like. Everyone finds her adorable, you just can't help it. Such an easy child to raise. No problems at all.

Kristy, 4 years old. Wow, does this child have spunk. Never a boring moment and not in a bad way. She is fun with a capital "F". I have so enjoyed every second I have had with her. No pre-school for her as I couldn't bear to be apart from her for a second. She has been my best friend since she was born. I am obsessed by this little person. She fascinates me. She brings the whole family together. The link between us all.

These are my life's work. I have put 100% of myself into these people and sadly 0% into myself. How many mothers are guilty of that? Most of us I would think. Its hard work, but we don't want regrets with our children. We want to give them the best we can so that one day in the future we can look back and know we did the best we could. The very best. We can sit back and finally relax and know we have done it. Maybe they won't be perfect, but hopefully happy. That's all we really want for them. To be happy in whatever they decide to do.

So now I am told my children won't have a mother in 12 months. But I promised myself to raise these children. I got pregnant and thought it was a guarantee that I would be able to raise them. Not abandon them like this. No one told me this could happen. How can I promise to give them everything in life and then just not be there? I can't understand how this can happen. And I had to tell them this. How can you tell a child that their mother is going to die? How! But we did.

We were told to be honest with them. That if we weren't someone else might be, so better it came from us.

My beautiful Jessica and I had always planned a trip to the Bahamas when she turned 18. We talked about it a lot. This was funnily enough the first thing she said. "What about our trip to the Bahamas?" I wanted to say - "Oh right, yes OK, I will wait till after that to die", but couldn't. Our plans were shattered. The kids cried a lot. Josh sat on my knee and then his Dad's and Jess sat on Dad's knee then mine. We cuddled we cried, we asked each other "Why?" but couldn't answer. Little Dolly (Kristy) cried but I don't think she really understood. It's hard to tell with a 4 year old. What a horrible night that was. A sunny day that rained and rained. We had no hope, but we had each other.

I was home one day, as usual, as I didn't really get out much. Wasn't big on socialising anymore. Just didn't really feel up to it. So here I was thinking 'I am bored'. Here I was with only so much time left on this earth and I was bored. It just didn't seem right. My Dad called and I told him just that. He said to meet him for lunch the next Monday and we'll fix it.

So I met him for lunch and my lovely father had researched European holidays. I had never been to Europe. He had decided because of my disability, we would be best to do a tour that would limit physical activity and moving around. I couldn't do stairs or hills etc because of my bad lungs. So he decided a River cruise would be great as we didn't have to keep moving luggage on, it would move with us. This way I could see Europe from the boat. If I didn't feel like the day tours I wouldn't have to, if I did I could. So we went through all the brochures, and then talked to a travel agent. Within one week we left. We really did. We embarked on a river boat cruise starting in Vienna Austria, through Germany and finishing in Amsterdam, Holland. We cruised the River Danube and the River Rhine. Wow.

Finally the family holiday arrives. Vanuatu was our destination. Perfect for our needs. Not too far from home. Medically probably not a good place to go but I was doing quite well and feeling almost normal. No one would know I was sick to look at. I simply had pain to breath so was limited physically.

There are some holidays, and yes I have had some before, that you truly don't want to come home from. You seriously want to stay. When you are younger without kids you even work out how you can perhaps get a job at the resort and simply throw your whole life away and start again in paradise. Well this was one of those times but in a slightly different way.

In Vanuatu the cancer was gone. I was free from treatment. No one knew I was sick. No tests. I felt that finally I had found a place where time had stopped for me. Time had stopped so I could have a life where there was no end. My wonderful family was with me, all having a great time and voting the holiday "the best ever". What more out of life could I want. I was seriously walking on air. Every day was magical.

Time moves on. We had a wonderful ten days of paradise and I must admit each one was savoured and didn't slip through my fingers too fast. Yet 10 days do pass and unfortunately we soon had to say goodbye to a place I finally felt safe. I haven't safe like that since. Reality returned the day after I returned when the medical tests resumed. I guess we can't hide from our lives. We can try and if we succeed enjoy it for while, but our lives have a habit of catching up with us.

Lisa passed away approximately 18 months after her diagnosis in the arms of her husband Andrew pain free almost like her wish. Andrew chose not to have the kids there when she passed as the emotional distress would have been too much for them. The family said their goodbyes the day before whilst Lisa was very alert and aware of their presence.

Lisa Miriam Bowen passed away 4th July 2007 -38 years old - mother of three, lifetime non-smoker.

I'll give you this one thought to keep I am with you still - I do not sleep I am a thousand winds that blow I am the diamond glints on snow I am sunlight on ripened grain I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning hush I am the swift, uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not think of me as gone I am with you still - in each new dawn.

read more - "I had a thought one day" by Lisa Bowen